I really wanted last nights episode of to be the one where Corinne like, finally explodes but it didnt happen so Im really sad right now. While she did do her normal shtick of sitting out of normal yet mandatory Bachelor group events like shoveling poopie, talking about her nannyRaquel, and threatening to beat the shit out of the mental health counselor Taylor, she actually kept her composure when the group of girls were confronting her which was really surprising. You know what wasnt surprising? Nick coincidentally bumping into his ex on the street. Like COME ON, producers. As Corinne would say, Im not an idiot, stop treating me like an idiot!!
Rose Ceremony From Last Week
As Vanessa confronts Nick about the Bouncy Castle Incident she asks him really smart, justified questions to which Nick responds: …like idk
Corinne: Im not privileged in any shape or form. Like, Raquel makes me throw out the waxing strips after shes done giving me a Brazilian. You call that privileged?
Corinne thinks the rose ceremony is just like high school physics class where you get 20 unexcused absences.
Serious question: Whats the difference between Whitney and Astrid? Theyre the same face. I feel like Im taking crazy pills!
Sarah: I dont know how the bounce house situation unfolded but I dont think it was the best. – Way to be a diplomat Sarah.
Corinnes response: Why are Taylor and Sarah so obsessed with me?
Theres a colonial woman in the Bachelor houseno wait, it’s Raven.
Why are they all freaking out that he gave the rose to Corinne. They all said itshe straddled him in the bouncy castle!!!
Christen leaves literally speechless like shes at mafia funeral. Nods her head at Nick and walks out.
Then Chris Harrison walks in to tell them the good news:
Pack your bags girls, youre going to be traveling the world youre going to be starting your journey to (theyre all thinking omg where are we going, Italy? Bali?!) WISCONSIN!
You know youre getting cabin fever when youre jumping up and down at the thought of going to fucking Milwaukee.
Date With Danielle L
Nick’s mom is Jamie Lee Curtis in after the switch
Nick: This is where I first got dumped, unfortunately that one wasn’t televised like my last 3 have been.
I used to hang out at the library but not to read books, to make out with girls. – OKAY Nick.
I used to hook up with girls on that football field right there! ummm, this is getting sad.
Nick talks about his exes wayyyyyy too much. Perhaps as if they never existed.
But oh wait, theres one. Magically sitting in that window. And look, shes already miced so they can have this spontaneous sit-down!
That convo with Amber the Ex was super boring. She probably wasnt even one of his exes; she was def a production assistant who was down for some screen timebut like, a PA who clearly doesnt pay attention to the show because she said that Nicks problem was that he cant give all of himself to a relationship. Thats literally the opposite of his problem, AMBER. Cough Andi cough Kaitlyn cough literally anyone else hes mentioned on the Nick Dumping Tour of Milwaukee.
And if Amber was really his ex I think we all just wanted to hear some embarrassing stories like, this one time you guys were on a date and Nick accidentally sharted and had to go home.
Side note: Nick being on is the greatest thing to happen to Milwaukee since they set the movie here. And even then they knew it was shitty.
Danielle L. def lives for a low plunging dress. On part 2 of their date Nick asks her the hard hitting relationship questions like this one: When was the last time you went grocery shopping in sweatpants?
Correct answer: All the time.
Wine & Sweatpants: the only one-on-one I need. Get your Bachelor T-shirt here!
Extra yet super important side note:
Omg do you know who Danielle looks just likeTAYLOR TOWNSEND FROM
Group Farm Chore Date
Were in Wisconsin and I couldnt be happier, Danielle M says and she couldnt look less happy.
Cows are okay Corinne
I dont really understand this date becasue Nick would never do this. Like, have you seen his low cut V-necks? You cant be a farmer in those clothes.
Corinne: I dont wanna do chores, let alone do farm chores. I wouldnt even let Raquel do farm chores. She’s above farm chores. She works for me.
I LOVE how she calls them chores because thats what adults tell children responsibilities are.
I totally feel Corinne, I would not be into this. Anyone who would be into this would be lying or better suited for Chris Soules. Theyre like, in their nice boots stepping in cow shit.
At least I hope the date card said: Wear your shitty boots. We suggest Michael Kors.
TBH the girls only talk about Corinne because they probably have nothing else to say to Nick.
Nick cant milk the cows so Jamies like “Im bisexual I can do it.”
Dude I need sushi Corinne, and all of us.
Later in the date, Nick sits down with Vanessa. She puts his legs on her, as she does, and hands him a book her students and coworkers made for her. WAIT, what? They made him a book before Vanessa knew him? As in, she asked them to make her a book of pictures of Vanessa in bikinis to give to a dude she hasnt met yet. Fucking school teachers and their assignments.
This is the book she gave him:
I didnt mean to offend anyone by taking that nap SOML, CORINNE. I need to get a needle point of that on a pillow.
“Michael Jordan took naps, Abe Lincoln took naps, Corinne takes naps. You know that episode of when they all go inside Chuckie, well, Id really like to do that but with Corinnes brain.
Kristina: I had a really hard childhood, can I tell you about it?
Nick: Maybe another time.
I dont really understand why everyones like “Corinne I dont think youre mature enough for marriage; you have to be there for him.” Can everyone like take a fucking chill pill. If hes going to pick her hes going to pick her, thats it. Whether or not you think shes mature or not has nothing to do with it. Maybe shell be the perfect Insta Wife for him. Who knows, SARAH, TAYLOR, AND KRISTINA. WHO KNOWS!?
On that same note:
Corinne: Nick and I didnt kiss when we talked. It was all more of like an adult convo.
Date With Raven
The date card said: Raven lets kick it. That screams Netflix and Chill tbh.
Nick: “Im really proud of the ladies in my life: my 12-year-old sister, and this girl I met 3 weeks ago”
It was really uncomfortable to watch Raven speak to Nicks parents because she like, wouldnt make eye contact with them. She would just look straight and speak to them from the side. Like a fucking Raven.
WHY IS NICK WEARING SUCH A LOW-CUT SHIRT ON THIS DATE WITH HIS SISTER?
Raven: This date was great because I could see how fucking terrible at soccer Nick was.
The point of this date was that Nick just wanted Bella to be the coolest teen at high school, obviously.
While theyre roller skating, some kid falls, Nick rides around him and screams SUCKAHHHH.
The date with Raven was like, sort of cute. Im probably feeling that because of editing with the wise choice of music from but whatevs, Ill admit it was cute.
Second Half Of Their Date:
Wait wait wait WAITshe beat the shit out of her ex boyfriend and his mistress WHILE they were naked, with her stiletto? Like, did he have to go to the hospital?
First of all, that story was a tad graphic. He was on top of her. Thrusting her. Did she tell this version to her parents?
Second of all. Broke the door down. Threw her off of him. Beat him in the head with a stiletto. I mean.
If hes turned on by it, theyre right for each other.
But with hicks.
Nick: The more I learn about Raven I realize shes this very interesting, sassy, borderline serial killing woman that I love.
Okay like, whats with all the roller skates? Where did they come from, why are they roller skating AGAIN in the museum, didnt they have enough roller skating from all of the roller skating this entire afternoon? So many questions.
I honestly hope this Corinne vs. Taylor thing pops off. I need more drama!!!
I also love how Josephine was totally manipulating Corinne to go say something to her.
Josephine: I totally agree with you. Taylor’s a bitch. I think someone should say something.
Corinne: Im gonna ::puts mini crescent dog in her mouth:: do it
Josephine: chew your food.
The fact that Taylor is trying to therapize Corinne just shows shes not a very good mental health counselor. Corinne never asked for therapy. Also, you cant tell someone with low emotional intelligence that they have low emotional intelligence, because how are they supposed to realize how unself-aware they are if theyre not self-aware to begin with, Taylor?
On that same note:
“Taylor seems to still have a problem with me, so tonight I’m gonna punch her in the face” – things people who are ready to get married say.
Alexis is like your cool camp counselor that let you sneak over to the boys bunk
Alexis: My two biggest fears are aliens and Nicholas Cage same Alexis, same.